Is there someone in your life that leaves YOU feeling scattered, anxious, or just brings you down? Do you have someone in your life that makes you doubt your own opinion or decision? If so, that person is likely toxic.
I know the word ‘toxic’ sounds harsh; however, people who create negativity in your life are just that… TOXIC. As humans we thrive on relationships and love. Close your eyes and think about the ideal relationship you would want with someone- whether it’s a friendship, a romantic relationship, or a relationship with a family member. I’m willing to bet that most of you, if not all of you, thought of only uplifting characteristics. Someone who is supportive, loving, fun, open minded, and positive to say the least. So why is that what we want versus what we allow are two different things?
Truly, we should only allow positive relationships in our lives; however, we become accepting of other personalities and give people exceptions because those negative characteristics make that person who they are. We allow excuses because it’s a family member, or because there may be a long history with that person. Why do we allow ourselves to let others make us feel crappy? I believe we do it because it’s easy… it’s easier to just deal with it, than to have that hard conversation or try to modify the relationship.
Commonly, we don’t recognize the type of relationship we are in until we are knee deep in the weeds with that person and then we realize just how unhealthy that relationship is. When we allow ourselves to have constant interaction with these toxic people, we are disregarding our own care, our own wants, our own needs.
I also believe there are times when those toxic people in our life aren’t intentionally trying to make us feel bad but do so because they are lacking something in their own life. They tend to act negative in relationships because it makes themselves feel better for whatever shortcomings they have. I’ve also learned that until they help themselves and figure out their inner need, they won’t magically improve or modify their behavior.
The Complainer
These people are usually very negative, feel helpless, and are constantly complaining. There is something that is always bringing them down which results in having nothing good to say about their own lives or other people in their life. Often the ‘complainers’ feel weak over the outcomes of their lives and are unable to change their outlook. They have a hard time taking responsibility for their actions. These relationships become nagging because the “complainer” repeats the same old song and dance as they wallow in their problems.
The Judger
We have all been around someone who is a ‘judger’. They take everything you say out of context and likely have a way of approaching things that always come off as a judgement which in turn makes you feel like you aren’t good enough. They force you to feel like you need to defend yourself. They may also make you feel vulnerable to where you feel insecure. This results in you second guessing yourself and the decisions you’ve made. The ‘judger’ portrays themselves as being superior beings who do no wrong.
The Drainer
These people manipulate and control conversations without even letting you get a word in. They don’t ask about your feelings or needs; they only address what it is they need to accomplish for themselves. This person is buried in chaos and frankly makes you feel exhausted after an interaction with them. A ‘drainer’ may even try to point out your flaws by making underlying remarks or comments that are passive aggressive.
The Controller
The ‘controller’ can be very hard to identify at times. These people can be manipulative and thrive on controlling situations. It’s their way or no way and may be willing to do whatever it takes to get their way. It’s very easy for them to disregard others feelings because the only thing they are thinking about is fulfilling their own. At times, you may feel deceived that the ‘controller’ has changed their ways as he or she may act briefly as if they are interested in you; however, that becomes short lived since these people are really all about controlling situations in a way that fits their own needs.
Naturally, people don’t want to make others feel bad so it’s hard for most people to remove the toxic relationships from their lives. No one wants to break up or limit a relationship, but you need to do what’s good for you. You must protect yourself and your sanity because if you let toxic people overpower you, your own life becomes unbalanced and messy and then you are not going to be the person you are really seeking to be!
Unfortunately, toxic people can make you feel a slew of feelings- none of which are usually true to yourself. THEY are the ones that are making you feel crazy, THEY are the ones that make you feel like you’re holding a grudge when you are only trying to set boundaries, THEY are the ones with the drama and chaos that then make you feel unsettled. When we surround ourselves with toxicity, we eventually start to see it in our own lives. I’m sure you have heard the saying by Karen Marie Moning, ‘’Who and what we surround ourselves with is who and what we become’’.
Limit interactions
Limit the amount of interaction you have with those toxic people. If you are seeing someone in person, make sure you only have a limited amount of time to invest. Set boundaries in your own mind, keeping conversations short and to the point. If your interaction is through a phone call, let the toxic person know as soon as the conversation starts that you can only talk a few minutes due to having another obligation. By doing this, you are setting up your own boundaries.
Choose your battles
Often when you provide your input into a conversation with someone who is toxic, it becomes a stomping ground for heated debate which can just pull you further into the person’s manipulations. Really decide if your input is going to help or hinder the situation and decide how much time and energy you want to put into proving your point or rationalizing the situation. I have found, typically after I give my opinion, toxic people truly don’t really care and disregard it anyway.
Distance yourself
Unfortunately, distancing yourself is the one way you will really eliminate the amount of toxicity you are letting in your life; however, it’s important to come to terms with why you are distancing yourself and allow yourself to do it without guilt. It can be very difficult to follow through with this, but once you start distancing yourself and you recognize how much better you feel without the toxicity in your life, you will be more apt to keep doing it.
Remember, risking your own well being to appease someone else’s is not fair and it’s not a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship shouldn’t make you feel like a wrecking ball came through your life.
Figure out how you want to feel in your life and who helps you feel that way. If you have someone toxic in your life, you’ve already reached the first step… identifying it. Now, maybe it’s time to limit your ties with them! I am not implying to shut out every toxic person you come across, but I am suggesting to think about how others make you feel and then you can decide what you want your own life to feel like. At that point you will have the power to limit interaction, cut ties, or keep your life as is.
There are so many different types of toxic people. How do you identify them and deal with them?
