With the holidays approaching, stress begins, and undoubtedly the uncertainty of how the holidays will work is in full force this year since the 2020 pandemic doesn’t seem to be slowing down. On top of this, blended families may encounter some of their own stressors in how to incorporate old traditions with new traditions. It’s hard to decide what traditions should be kept, started, or just plain done away with all together.
I remember my first Thanksgiving and Christmas as a stepfamily… it wasn’t always easy. My kids were used to their own traditions and I was used to some of my own; however, both their father and I wanted to start new traditions since this was, after all, our new family.
During our first holiday season, so many changes had taken place that previous year that it opened a door which allowed us to really continue with change and switch things up. Our divorces and remarriage were still so fresh that I think deep down, we felt it was even more important, for the kid’s sake, to abandon some old traditions and bring in new.
When couples get married, splitting family holidays is already a challenge; however, when there is remarriage and children are involved, a lot of factors take place. In a stepfamily you are forced to consider your family, your in-laws, your ex and their family and on top of all of that, there may be additional factors like- visitation rights through custody orders that dictate your holiday schedule.
We found since there were different days and times that visitation took place during holidays, for our own sanity, the best thing was to make a kid friendly calendar and post it on the refrigerator. That way the kids knew what their holiday expectations and plans would look like. It honestly helped my husband and I keep track of things too! However, we always had an alternate plan in place in case the ‘what if she doesn’t get the kids’ scenario sadly became a reality. At times it did become a reality…
Fortunately for us, there was no pandemic, lock down, or quarantining so we were able to go to my family’s home for our first thanksgiving as the visitation order allowed us to have Thanksgiving as the first holiday together. This was sort of the get of jail free card… we didn’t have to think of new traditions, we could just get away. After the first Thanksgiving we just let things happen naturally and without force, but since we switched things up so dramatically the first year, it allowed us to be more flexible in the future years.
For our family, every bit of the holiday season was new for all of us because things were just plain different. My husband and I both made sacrifices to try to meet everyone’s needs during the holiday season as best as we could. I think one of the most important things we did throughout the holidays was communicate with our kids. We checked in with them… we talked about what they did want to traditionally carry out and what they didn’t, and so on. Our family was, and still is big on, making sure everyone is on the same page and being supportive of each other.
During Christmas, one big tradition that we broke was getting a real Christmas tree. Bill, the kids, and their biological mother always picked out a Christmas tree from the Christmas tree farm and cut it down by hand; however, I had become accustomed to an artificial tree throughout the years.
We asked the kids their thoughts on what THEY wanted. To be honest, the vote was split in our family as to whether we should keep that same old live tree tradition; however, anytime there was a split vote, it came down to Bill and I deciding what would be best for everyone. So, that is one tradition that we stopped mainly because that was the first year the kids would be partaking in this tradition without their mother. I was not their mother with whom they experienced this with every year prior- the divorce was just still too fresh, and changes were too new. We felt that it may just bring up sad or negative thoughts instead of the joyful thoughts it should. Honestly, it wasn’t JUST about the kids, this brought up negative thoughts for us as parents too… we still had healing to do.
The first couple years we put up an artificial tree, and then we decided on a live tree. I will say NOW, many years later, we have become open to picking out a Christmas tree from the Christmas tree farm cutting it down by hand if we are able to find just the right one. Regardless, we have modified that tradition to fit us and our family and we modified in a way that allowed all of us to heal from our scars of what ‘had been’.
I think one of the most important things in determining what traditions to start and what old traditions to keep, no matter what your situation, will depend on if that tradition will give joy to you and your child…
As the holidays roll around you will hear the excitement in your kid’s voices, and they will likely ask you when certain things will be happening… that’s probably a good indicator that they are looking forward to whatever that thing is that you have done in the past that brings them joy! As hard as it might be for you as a parent or a stepparent to carry out some old traditions because it brings about unsettled feelings for yourself, it really is important to keep some normalcy for the kids by sticking to some old traditions along the way.
On the other hand, throw in some new things. You never know what ‘that something’ may be that you will try, and your child will pass down to their own children one day. Heck, if what you want to do doesn’t work, what’s the worst that happens…it becomes a memory that you will all remember, and you just don’t do it again!
My suggestion to anyone trying to mix new traditions with old is, give it a whirl! Through the years there are many things that Bill and I tried that just didn’t stick but there are many we did try, that did stick! Now, we have found that we created traditions throughout the years without even realizing it.
Honestly, with the way 2020 has panned out and all the changes that have taken place- this might just be the year to continue with change and try something new!
Remember, you are not alone in the challenges you face as a stepparent… Blended families have become all too common and there is someone else sharing the same struggle, I promise. You will get through it; it may be new territory but it’s only new once- then you can consider yourself seasoned!
Holidays are stressful enough, don’t add to the stress by constantly worrying about the decisions you make. Be confident in whatever you decide. As always, don’t force things and things will work out as they should.
