To read the full post called Step Parenting Do’s and Don’ts click here.
- Never replace a biological parent-
- Never make your stepchild feel as though you are replacing their absent parent. Instead of replacing them, express that you are there for them when their biological parent isn’t. It’s ok to talk to your stepchildren about the role you will have in their lives.
- Do not force a stepchild to call you Mom or Dad-
- Being a stepparent can be a very rewarding thing, but if you force a child to call you Mom or Dad it won’t be genuine. Let it happen naturally. Trust me, I am the sole mother of my stepchildren, but until they were or are ready to refer to me as Mom, well… that’s ok, after all, I am a stepmom.
- Expect a transition-
- When kids have visitation back and forth from parent to parent it is a very exhausting process for everyone involved. I was fortunate that our visitations were limited and infrequent; however, it didn’t stop the transition period from happening. When they did happen, they were very dramatic and confusing.
- It’s common to see a change in behavior days before your stepchild goes to the opposing parents’ home and it’s also common to see a change in behavior when that child returns. I felt like as soon as it was time for my middle son to visit his mother again, he had just adjusted back to being home.
- . Communicate with your spouse-
- Talk about expectations that he or she as the biological parent has for you as a stepparent. Voice your concerns, insecurities, and questions to your spouse. Communication truly is the key to success!
- Don’t try to buy or win your stepchild’s love-
- What I mean by this is, so frequently you see a parent trying to win a child’s love by being the friend, buying them gifts, or giving them free range to do whatever they please. If you truly want your stepchild’s respect, be a parent!
- I often found that when we set guidelines and rules and even reprimanded our children when necessary- that shows more love and stability than buying them does. They want a PARENT, not a friend. Trust me, it will feel like they don’t want a parent, but what they want is a safe stable place they can call home.
- Always welcome communication from your stepchild-
- After all, this is your stepchild- it’s important to create a bond with them. You will probably find he or she may share things with you that they might not share with their biological parents. That doesn’t mean you aren’t being a parent; it means you are creating a bond.
- Set boundaries-
- Just like any parent sets boundaries with their child of the do’s and don’ts, expectations, etc. a stepparent needs to do this as well. Unfortunately, the biological parent has had the ability to do this without the child realizing it already as it’s something that occurred naturally while growing up. I’m not implying to sit down and say, ‘here are the rules’, but it’s useful to sit down as a family and talk about situations.
- Early on, my husband Bill, and I sat down with the kids and he expressed what his expectation was from the kids regarding how they treated me. It’s all about a mutual level of respect.
- Don’t react-
- Sometimes stepchildren may say things that are inconsiderate, after all they are kids and that’s natural. There are times where step parents may feel extra sensitive when a child makes an inconsiderate remark. The sensitivity may be justified at times and other times may not be.
- I found in my case, many of my reactions were out of fear of losing a relationship with my son or daughter.
- Remember you are not the biological parent-
- Whether your step child’s biological parent is present in their lives or not that is still their mother or father. Before you came along, that was all that child knew. Expect there to be confusion for you and your step children. It’s a learning process for both of you that will include trials and errors, successes and failures. As with any parenting, it’s work. Hard work will pay off if you are confident in what kind of relationship you want with your step children.